dreams not so good here

I would like to think with my mentality, I would have moved on from my past.  It seems my subconcious doesn't think the same.  Night mares from Hell..Not the shit I've done, but what's been done to me.  I'm pitiful and hate the way I feel this morning. I understand the logic of forgiving and forgetting is to help me, but I can't.  It's not easy to live with somebody that I hold a grudge against. some days, I want to get a hammer and beat the shit out of him.  He's good to me now, but it doesn't matter to me. I re live all the grief nearly every night. I think of the long nights and days I waited for him to come home and how i felt worthless that he could just leave me alone without food and sometimes electricity.  How I ate from a garbage can sometimes to keep my belly from growling, How I dreaded him to come home and whip me.  He sleeps well.  He doesn't "remember" doing any of that. He was drunk.  That's his defense.    

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